or What I've Been Thinking About.
For the past two years I have participated in a
White Stone Ceremony in a church I now only attend sporadically. It's a time to reflect and find a word to take you through the new year. It is quite amazing and wonderful to have that word come to you with all it's meanings and possibilities. And surprising.
I have been thinking through many things to try to find my word. I do have it. Again it came easy at one point. It was just it.
The first time I did this I was in one of the messiest places of my life. A breakdown like I hadn't had for many years, so also not unprecedented. The word wouldn't go away as much as I wanted it to. The word was hope. I slowly made it through that year. With friends. With starting to go to that church and listening to their words: we all have value, we all have purpose, we all deserve love. With medication. With lots of reading and work. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun. I still deal with all the issues. I still have to consciously remind myself of what I need to do, the way I can stop some of the spinning. I am, of course, still me.
The second year, last year, the word, obviously, was joy. To many it may seem strange that one has to look for joy, to find it, to let it in your life. I needed to make it, joy, a habit. I needed to bring it back into my life. Yes, the word came from somewhere and stayed. I even knew I needed to make a commitment to it and document joy every week. Some weeks were difficult. The project didn't turn out at all like I thought it would at the beginning of the year, what really ever does. It was good.
So, now to year 3. I had no real idea even if I could do it again. Find the word. And then, one day there it was. Another path that seemed to obvious. All I had to do was listen. Now I can even see the path that led me to it. It, of course, started two years ago.
I did I lot of reading, as I usually do. To try to figure things out. To try to figure myself out. A lot of walking processing time. Personal stuff, work stuff, life stuff. I remember after the year plus of reading thinking I had to stop. I had to just process the bits and pieces and find what made sense to me. Try to integrate it in some way. Integrate in the way of understanding and living it. I have a friend who can articulate their philosophies about most everything. I'm not all that articulate. At least I have trouble when I try to write things down. The organizing, the finding the words. It's probably all feelings to me, the INFJ thing, which makes is so difficult. Writing them down, turning them to thoughts. the thinking thing.
I realized in the middle of all the drama and change, work and personal, that there were ways of thinking that made sense to me. Things that should work. Understandings about my personality types, yes types. Truths, maybe? Near the end of the year I received a couple nice little notes from friends that made me think about the good things that are there. I know there are things I value, a way of life even, that I don't always live. It all came together in it's own strange way. The word came.
BELIEVE
It's complicated, what it means to me. Of course it means I really have to think through all this stuff I've been absorbing and integrating it and making it into a whole. It has to do with acknowledging what I do believe and trying to live it. Trying to use them to make my choices. The strength to find a nice way of standing strong. Of finding ways to implement what I believe.
Because ultimately, what all this means, is learning to believe in myself.
Which could make this the most difficult year yet.
Labels: believe