Planning Forward

When the kid was in middle school, I knew I didn't want to be one of those moms who had no life after the kid graduated from high school because it was all about the kid's life. I knew I was looking forward to the opportunity to having more time and finding something for me, even something new that I had never considered before. I wanted to have a life of my own, or own part of my life, or something like that.

So volunteering led to a job led to going back to school which led to where I am now. And as often happens, the world shifts and things aren't what they were in this job world and won't be again.

I realized today that I'm possibly in a similar place that I was back then. But different. Not looking for something new so I can survive the kid-less years, looking for ways to survive the work world that I see coming and isn't what I hoped it would be. And other non-work worlds.

I totally understand why some of it is happening. No money and all. So we are focusing on a few things and being made accountable. Numbers. Databases. But I was looking forward to job where I had some autonomy and could pursue some of my interests and goals. Goals are being set way outside my sphere of control. It seems my interests and goals aren't the same as the company so I'm in the difficult position of just being an implementer. Give me my numbers, tell me what my job is and I'll fill out the forms and do it.

I like, need, a little more room for creativity and self-expression. It's been bringing me down. I know I will be able to deal with it if I work on perspective. Some examples. I enjoy my co-workers. I work in a great building. It isn't hard labor and I work in air conditioned comfort. The county wants to save our jobs for which I am extremely grateful. For a while, I'm on an interesting committee with an interesting project that will bring changes which will drive most staff crazy because it's more changes in an environment of too many changes. Seriously, so much to be thankful for.

One of the principles of mindfulness is acceptance. Not resignation. Acceptance. Big difference, it seems. Acceptance gives you a place to start. It implies growth can happen from this point. Even if some things can't be changed.

Subtle. Tricky. Complicated.

And project's progressing. The yellow flowers are done. Really not sure what I want to do on the orange ones. Been trying a few things.

Mindful Beginnings

It's been easy for me to put aside the planning of the happiness project because I do have some projects that are fun to work on, I'm less stressed at work (and some of that due to making some changes, good for me) and am not in the depths of despair that I was.

But I know it's all temporary if I don't keep working on it. Depression doesn't work that way. And you aren't always better when you think you are. Sometimes you just put it aside because you are tired of it. Like anything else that takes lots of time and effort.

One of the things I've decide to do first happiness project-wise is learn more about this whole mindfulness thing. It fascinates me and the more I read, the more fascinating it becomes. Because there is a contradictory nature to it. You can't approach it the same western way we approach other things we want to learn. It's not a contest, it's not something you set a goal for and stress out to reach, but you have to get there. The approach has to be different. And it's life long. It's not something you get and are done. You can't get a good grade or appraisal if you get there, because that's striving for something that detracts from it. Complicated.

I'm not a self-improvement book type because they are all so simple. Here's the plan, do it and you are fixed. They aren't engaging and any improvement, if any, doesn't last. This seems different.

So I have a new book by an author recommend in the first book who is supposed to be one of the leaders in the field. Mindfulness by Ellen J. Langer.

From the introduction: Mindsets are limiting and bad. The same reaction or decision isn't right in all circumstances that seem the same. Blindly following routines or maybe, directives, takes away from the situation and everyone loses. Maybe this all is interesting to me because while I was seen as, and did my best to be, the good girl as a child and into adulthood, it never worked. I've always not only seen the grey, but the many shades of grey and deep inside resented and hated rules. At some point I changed and I can be rather annoying now. This study may give me a way to channel the feelings better, see them in a different way and make it more productive and less frustrating. Frustrating for myself and for the others around me. Give me a way to listen to the little voices or feelings inside that I often get. Find a way to accept them, look at them, not judge them, but find insight in them.

A quote:

Social psychologists usually look for the way in which behavior depends on context. When mindless, however, people treat information as though it were context-free - true regardless of circumstances. For example, take the statement: Heroin is dangerous. How true is this for a dying individual in intolerable pain?

Context is and has been important to me. The shades of grey thing. But I can over think it. I often drive myself crazy trying to make the 'right' decision or take the' right' action and it's not possible. Remember reading something that also said that over thinking isn't mindful either. You make a choice, see what happens, make a new one and move on. You make the choice as mindfully as you can, but you won't, and can't, always be right. Don't judge, move on.

Complicated. I like it.

And thinking mindfully - I may like it even more now because the complicatedness will occupy my mind and keep it off other things. Not a bad thing. Context.

An added note: When searching for the amazon link to the Mindfulness book found this which led to this. ;)

One Project Done!

Not the chair cushions. They've been put on hold.

I found some drapery panels on sale, very cheap at BB&B last weekend. And with coupons it was an even better deal. I've needed drapes on a patio window for over a year and these are plain blue with a simple valance. I needed to do some altering and sew them all together to make one panel of the right size and it's done! Lined would have been better, but the price was right.

And it's done!

Also moved a drapery rod from another place and added a little stain to make it darker to hang them on.

Feels good!

Professionalism Prologue

I was forwarded an article by a co-worker about the word professional and how it relates, or not, to librarians. I need to re-read it and think more to see if I am getting their point or not. And it relates to conversations I had with librarians lately. So that will come.

But there was a facebook thread lately about librarians having a cushy job that was amusing. It make me think of a possible definition, or characteristic, of professional as the article does. When you are in social or other situations, do you get asked for 'professional' advice? Like doctors at parties and the "I have a pain right here" type of thing.

I wanted to add the following to the comments, but it being facebook and all.

This has been a week of running around, seeing people and appointments and it's amazing the situations you are in when people want reader's advisory ideas for their teen, child or grandchild, or suggestions on how to get them to read, or early literacy.

Wouldn't my manager be impressed if I put that in my monthly report.

I've been redecorating for a while now. Some here think it's taking too long, but the kid agreed that even though it takes me a while to decide on some things, when I do, it's usually right. I don't jump into buying something just to fill up space, I wait for what I want and I know it when I see it. Found some 'art' to hang above a sofa this weekend. And some throw pillows.

This project is a little different. I found a table cloth on clearance at BB&B last winter and made some bright, striped kitchen valances. Added some new placemats and chair cushions. I needed to cover a couple of bar stools and thought I wanted to applique some simple flower shapes. I haven't done machine applique in long time, but found a bunch of supplies lying around, even fabric. I decided on some flower shapes based on things I'd seen and cut some out. This was several months ago.




I was hung up in some of my usual perfectionist tendencies, but, now, internalizing some reading, decided to just do it. It took a while to figure out what I wanted to do with the center of the yellow flower, then made the fabric with holes. Needed to embellish the red ones before they were sewn down. I also wanted a block of time to do the sewing so I could get in a flow state and get it done. I had the time this weekend and the flowers are now attached. And look pretty good. Not perfect. But very acceptable. Next, the the embellishing on the yellow and orange flowers. It shouldn't take me months to get that done.

Staying Happy

Is the last chapter of the book.

A charge to work on happiness for three months. Re-wire your brain.

Three ways to approach it:
1. Address one of the things making you miserable
2. Learn something new
3. Just make yourself more happy - 6 pages of the little things mentioned previously in the book

It helps if goals are concrete and a mild stretch, but not impossible.

He ends with a comment about what he is going to go do, little things.

So while I will make a plan, not right now.

I'm going to enjoy my chai, listen to the soft rain and feel the breeze coming through the window I just opened.

The Meaning of Life

This chapter has a lot to say about where I am now. I am frustrated, and making my self miserable, because I can't see, am having trouble seeing, a point to everything that brought me to this place in time. Previous chapters have given me ideas on ways to deal with it, try to get passed it, think in the present, but still. Restlessness. Much of this chapter, I realize is beyond what I should be working on right now. I need to deal with the day to day business of getting out of bed and moving with some sense of looking forward and seeing possibilities. So, after I can do that, I will come back to this. Or, in doing that, it may lead to this.

Meaning - sense of purpose, making a contribution, leaving something behind, a belief that our lives make sense.

We do things because there is a desire for our lives to have meaning. Without it, we lack a certain quality that makes for happiness.

Creating meaning is a new problem in our world of busyness and low connection. Meaning comes from a combination of many things including self acceptance, positive relations with others, autonomy, mastery, life purpose, and personal growth.

We have a desire to fill emptiness. Emptiness is a perception, feeling and expression of craving and fear. Can we stop craving? Can we accept ourselves as we are? There needs to be a balance between trying to improve and trying to be perfect.

We need to be the master of ourselves and then the environment. You want to feel you have some control of events in your life. Helps to have realistic goals.

Religion, a connection with the sacred is correlated with happiness.

Fulfillment is the sense of personal growth. We need to feel we worked hard for something then attained it. We want to accomplish something that is useful or good. Fulfilling activities require the whole brain - reasoning, emotions, values and intuition. (Personal note: And learn to recognize it has happened)

Vacation

I had been thinking I needed to take a one day vacation on my own, doing stuff I like and hoped it would work out. It mostly did. And I should explain that today was just a regular day off, but wanted to make it more than I usually do, so I thought of it as a vacation. It's related to some of the things I'm learning. More fun. More play.

Perfect weather. Spent the early morning outside.

Went to the Nerman Museum. This fits in the Awe Category, it seems. It takes you out of the ordinary world and makes you look at things differently. And I like modern art. As I've said before, don't always understand it, but enjoy the originality and creativity. It was kinda strange being the only person there and having the security guards follow you around discreetly. M.C., from work and also a docent, had said Worldscapes was one her her favorite exhibits so far. Mary Wessel plays with photographic materials in new ways. Colors are amazing. I always like seeing handwork art so was fascinated by Jessica Kincaid's beadwork. And there was an exhibit of urban art, giant installations by Nari Ward. Not my favorite, probably didn't 'get it' all, still always enjoy seeing something different and reminders of urban worlds outside my own suburbia. You don't get a sense at all of what this was from the few pictures on the webpage. There was a great installation done with shoelaces, a spiral wall piece that was amazing, More subtle, less hardware.

Had a work meeting in the afternoon. But I like having projects to work on and this is a fun one. I like being pushed. To use what I know, what I believe, and trying to make it work in new ways in areas I'm not so familiar with. I get to work with different people in different departments and it's just plain cool to see all these various departments coming together to make this new thing work. It's going to take some time and there will be some big challenges, but one needs that to grow and even be connected. So it was energizing more than a disruption. Plus, I get comp time to make a 3-day break coming up in a couple days.

Went to see Toy Story 3 with the kid. We saw the first one when he was in 4th grade as he posted on facebook. (How cool was that!) Those Pixar people are amazing. And you can tell they take so much from their real lives and put it in their movies. Andy grew up, like my kid, and probably like their kids. We have our issues, but the kid is still my kid and we still have our moments and a connection that builds and changes and grows. Hopefully.

Was getting ready to type 'back to the real world tomorrow' but that would be wrong. It's how I usually feel, but it may be one of the reasons I have issues right now. I need to realize days like this can be my real world. Not everyday, but more often.

Sign of the Times?

Interesting.

I'm on a committee, more of a work group, of youth services librarians, and it's me and 3 guys.

The big blockbuster 4th of July weekend action movie is a vampire romance with girls/women lining up for days around the block.