Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Not a Good Day, BUT

You know how 'they' say never say 'but' because it negates everything you said before it? Keep that in mind.

It was a long day. Lots of screaming kids, literally. Kids inside playing and their only purpose was to play and it's one of the nicest days in weeks outside. Very short staffed. Grouchy adults.

BUT

Tried the 'think of three good things' before I left. They were what I took home with me in the car. And was pretty relaxed when I arrived home. And could enjoy the outside.

So what were they? I can share.

1. Had some nice conversations with work people. Actually, two work persons, one onsite, one not. Shared frustrations can get you through the day and keep things in perspective.

2. I sat outside on our patio for my lunch hour. Perfect warmth and quiet. Ate slowly. Read. Felt the sun. It totally recharged me. And the onsite work conversation started because she noticed how happy and relaxed I seemed sitting out there and when I came back in. (At least for a little while.)

3. I pulled together a little program for this weekend. In the way I like to do things. Come up with ideas. Let them percolate. Build on them. Pull it together. It's been on the back of my mind for a while. Took the time to do it. Actually, put some other stuff out of my mind and did it for me.

Which led to one of the light-bulb moments and conversation. I need to make this job right for me. I've been trying to make it right for others, the people I work for and with. It is (was going to say probably is) the right job for me, but I've been losing track of that.

Still have one or two chapters to go. Not done working on all this. It's a start.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Grief and Pain

If you want to be happy, you have to let yourself be sad. Life is hard, pain is inevitable, but we can, and often do, make our pain worse and more prolonged. When we are happy we have a lot to lose. And loss comes in many ways. Grief takes time and needs reflection.

If there is regret with the pain, three things can help.
Forgiveness - we are human and did the best we knew how to do at the time
Gratitude - if it was unimportant, we wouldn't be so devastated now
Determination - to not make the same mistake again

Watch out for stuffing, obsessing, giving in to fear.

In this day and age, 2-3 breakdowns are about average. Stress has beaten down your defenses. If you have a breakdown, there are ways to make it a good one. Life got too hard, so see it as an opportunity to learn best ways of coping. Look mindfully at what brought you to that point. Work on the truth, the assumptions, the lies that played a part. Make changes. Find your voice, your values, and practice them. Develop compassion for yourself and others. Make a difference - do good.

Drugs can help those with depression, to a point.

I've always thought, and experienced, that there are times when the drugs help and are even necessary to stop a bad spiral. They can slow down your brain when you can't. But at some point, you have to do the work to get better. It's why I appreciate this book. It's about the work. The work of thinking your way out of it. It gives some structure to it. I'm almost done reading and then need to get busy with making a plan and working it.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

3 Good Things

I have decided to think of 3 good things at the end of my work day, every day. Relates to some previous posts. Because with what I do, there should be 3, easily. I'm just not seeing them. Then I'll go home with the happy thoughts, not the tiredness.

1. It almost doesn't' seem right for the first thing to be that it was slow. But it is. And it was. I'm ready for Monday, without rush and fuss. I was even able to do some of the little things that can be fun, like filling displays. Fun because you actually get to see a book. Fun because, if even for a moment, you see something concrete and finished.

2. Had one of those nice conversations where you are throwing around ideas for future plans. Things that will be good. Things that we all can work on together. Cuz we do work better when we are all throwing around ideas and they build. And we've been throwing around these ideas for a couple of days.

3. Some nice people and this stands out. A mom and her son came in. She said they were running errands and she remembered it was Saturday and we might have a 'hunting' activity. He's liked them in the past. So they came in and, luckily, we had a 'hunting' activity. (We had a craft last week, they would have probably been fine with it.) The Saturday activities can be easy, but I want them to be different and it takes some thought and I've been too scattered to do them they way i want. Have considered not doing them. But, it made a difference to one kid and his mom. And I may be getting to the place where that may mean something to me again. I especially appreciated how the mom and her son were just doing some little things together. Cuz, well, me - mom, kid- son.


Unlike the past couple of nights, I may be able to sleep tonight.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I can't get no . . ..

Satisfaction. This chapter is on more satisfaction. Satisfaction is a sustained state that should be relatively independent of our momentary ups and downs.

And along with the judging, this is big for me. I need to get this figured out, cuz I ain't got none right now.

So, satisfaction is about using the right yardstick and knowing what you can change and what you can't.

Money - There are two ways to be rich 1. have great wealth 2. have few wants
Sadly, there is more to it than this for me.

Perfectionism - don't aim too high. While we feel happier when we progress toward goals, we need to watch our expectations. Reduce them where we have little control and have moderate expectations when we have some control. Having some expectations is motivating.

Satisfaction leads to feelings of self-esteem, autonomy, competence and relatedness (connections to people).

Work - people don't want to be there. (Got that, sadly) The less control and autonomy the more stress. (One would think with my job I would have both and have so little.) What you can do:
1. Try to make something of it and that may take a while to create meaning.
2. Don't take it too seriously if it's a paycheck. Add play, be friendly, and add more meaning to your leisure time. (But work is taking up some of my leisure time)
3. Make their day. Make others feel good - co-workers, patrons, etc.

Leisure - to be fulfilling it must have one of the following:
1. We have a sense of mastery of what we are doing
2. We pursue them for moral purpose of social contribution
And there should be a balance between the two

We also need to enjoy doing nothing without guilt or a nagging sense we should be productive

Relationships - people who feel connected to others live longer
People who care about others are less preoccupied with themselves. The more we give the more we gain from what being loving, thoughtful and compassionate does four our character. You can practice loving, compassion and even extraversion in the sense of reaching out to others. Yes, extraverts are more happy and even people pretending to be extraverts are happier. (Says the author who is an introvert.)

Note: Happiness is not our natural state, it takes work, but the work is inherently pleasant or fun.

Today wasn't a good day, so I don't want to make relevant comments. I know it's just about one day, mostly, and it will pass, eventually, and I need to move on.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

More Joy

That would be nice.

Joy - the immediate sensation of positive feelings. A whole range of good feelings.

Sometimes stopping negative feelings leads to stopping positive feelings.

What we pay attention to determines how our brain grows. Reviewing the good parts of your day will strengthen the circuits of good feelings.

Joy is fleeting, Our business keeps us task focused and we miss the little details. We need to recognize and savor them. We need to stop and pay attention. This is old, but it does work. Write down 3 good things every night. Focus on your feelings about those things, visualize the neurons in your brain forming new happiness circuits.

So, what's joyful?

Awe - an experience with beauty. It makes us feel connected with the word and connected with something bigger than ourselves. It can come from music, fine art, and nature.

Play- it requires a loss of dignity so we take ourselves less seriously. It is mindful because it requires us to be in the moment and spontaneous. Humor is a part of play.

Creativity - is one of the things I've been missing lately. It requires a positive emotional state to think clearly, creatively and flexibly. Too much to do interferes with creativity. (I get that.)

Simple Pleasures - the little sensual things, all the pleasures of the senses. Hearing, Sight. Touch, Taste. That's where the little things are.

When we start to slow down and pay attention, be mindful, we fins out what really makes us happy and then can let go of some of our beliefs about what should make us happy.

More

I remember hearing once that the early teens were like the 'terrible 2s" because of all the testing and trying of new things. There are similarities in different stages of life, patterns repeating.

So now I'm starting to get why middle age women were so attracted to Twilight in possibly more than the obvious way. There may be the same feelings about life that are felt by older teens trying to figure life out. Many of them don't see a great future looking at the world around them, and, well. . . . .

From one of the characters in Ballad by Maggie Stiefvater:

. . . . . how much he wanted more. He didn't even know what more was, he just knew he wanted to be more, that there must be more to life, that if he didn't find this more, life was only terrible trick played on him by nature.


I can relate.

Finding meaning is one of the later chapters in the happiness book. I'm hoping. . . . . . .

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ah, Gregory!

Gregory had its moments and while I enjoyed it a while back, and got the point, it does mean more right now and this was a nice reminder.

Didn't think I had read this so long ago, but this quote from The Graveyard Book comes to me all the time.

On the happiness of those who "hasten their transition to another plane of existence" -
Are they happier? "Sometimes. Mostly no. It's like people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean."


You could say it's haunted me. Yeah, that was bad. ;)

And it's not about thinking of going to another plane of existence, more that you have to change yourself. Changing your situation isn't the answer, or sometimes even possible. And, there are some good things about my situation in an extended sense.

My comment in the post was also a wake-up call. It's November 2008 and I'm saying I'm too busy, Then, now. It has to change. I did get to a couple more Sandmans, but haven't finished the series yet.

It's nice to know change is possible

Summary of the Joy chapter to come. Because synthesizing and typing it helps get it into my brain.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Family History

I have this thing about quilts. I like the history in them. I like how women took hours to make something beautiful out of little pieces of things, how they make some useful beautiful and unique. Fabrics and patterns change over time and have significance.

One type is feedsack quilts. I inherited 3 of them. Unfortunately, I don't know the family history other than they were from my mother's side of the family. The stories were never passed down. I do believe they are from the 1930's because of the type of prints and the colors of the solids. They have been reproducing the prints and solids for years.



This one is finished. It's machine quilted and has been used, but the colors are very nice and the edges not worn through.



The background fabric is actually a much brighter green, very 30's.

The next two are not finished. They have been basted, and the hand quilting started. The prints used are a wide variety and not all cute little florals. Sometime they seem to clash with the colors chosen for the solid pieces. Some of the fabrics in these seem to be in the small pieces of the first one.




Value is hard to determine with quilts. And many things can affect the value. I want to finish quilting the last two. By hand. I do some work with sewing machines and have done many things in the past. I had a plan to get back into it. It's been delayed. I'm not sure if me finishing them will affect the value, but I want to do it, in some way, to honor the time and work someone already put into them. And I want to do a good job.

I've been on the mailing list of a couple of quilt shops for years. A few days ago one came with the current list of classes and they are doing a series of handwork classes this summer. One of them is a 4 hour class on hand quilting. Amazingly it's on one of my Saturdays off in a couple weeks. I'm all signed up.

Less Misery

A refresher - happiness is relative. It's the absence of negative feelings (misery), an abundance of positive feelings (joy), and a feeling of satisfaction in your life. It's a bonus if there is a sense of meaning or purpose.

This chapter is about less misery.

It's about creating new habits. Habits make things easier, efficient, and productive. We don't think about them. Just do them. New brain circuits are created. And you can do it with practice.

We may have created habits that make us miserable. We think we don't have will power, but will power can be learned. Try something new. At first it's hard. Keep doing it and it becomes a habit. It gets easy.

You also have to disarm your inner critic. Your inner critic is also a habit. It's a circuit in your brain. You need to disengage it, not fight it. Fighting it gives it power. Be happy with your accomplishments even if they aren't perfect.

Recognize that thoughts, sensations, and feelings are always changing. They are fluid. Don't get too worked up by them, they will change. They always do.

Changing your thinking patterns is possible.

Here's a good one. The author is very concerned about how the world has changed, especially the work world. We are insecure about our jobs, for good reason. We spend too much time working and doing things like checking in at work on vacations. We think we must multitask and be busy all the time. Multitasking is the way to be sure nothing ever gets done well. My entire day is multitasking. We tend to think it's necessary and good. It's burning me out. Last month I made a 5-page list of things that needed to be done by specific dates to help focus on one thing at a time and not let myself worry about things in the future. This month, it's always real busy with hundreds, yes hundreds, of people in the building. (reminding myself of that) I decided not to even make a list. I know I need a program each Saturday. Other things will come up and be dealt with as needed. Everything else will wait. I can say no. It's not going to be perfect.

Mindfulness means you don't run on an automatic pilot. Be aware, think, calm down, take control, be assertive.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

New Sofa


On the new-ish floor.

Before I put the tape all over it to try to keep the cat from shredding it.

Now I get to pick out some throw pillows.